Like I’ve said before, I get awful headaches reading on the subway, so I can’t read during my daily commute (at least 2 hours total every single day). But this didn’t fit in the Omens section, and it still seemed like something important to say.
For me, the subway is my zen zone. The in-between where I am going and where I’ve been, a place where it’s just me, my iPod, and the rest of New York.
Yesterday as I sat on the 4 train headed home, listening to Noah and the Whale’s “Peaceful, the World Lays Me Down” (an album I recommend to all), it came upon me suddenly:
This is my life, as I’m living it, right now, right this second, this is it.
That instantaneous intake of breath, and for the first time in a long time I am aware of being exactly where and who I am. And then the second breath:
Where have I been all the rest of the time?
I know I spend so much of my life in anticipation–of the next day, of the next audition, rehearsal, date, phone call, text message, email, tweet…of the next song on my playlist, of the next month of the year, of the next phase of my life…of the next job, of the next real love, of the next anything.
As I wait for all my nexts, I miss my nows. Until suddenly, I look up, and here I am. On a crowded 4 train, in the most beautiful place on earth, and no, I don’t have a job or a boyfriend or any typical validation from the world that I’m on the right track; I’m not sure where I’ll be in three weeks, much less three months, and it makes me sad a lot of the time.
But I am here, on a 4 train, in the most beautiful place on earth. I am here I am here I am here. And I smiled, and I thanked the universe that I could be so lucky.
Noah and the Whale says,
If you do what you do, yeah well you’ll do fine.
And I think I will.